We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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