tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
