Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize
