i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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