remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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