so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
