Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
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