I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Who died my cat blue again?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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