I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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