you guys were way drunker than both of me
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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