Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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