she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
