First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
