i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Randomize
