I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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