Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
