Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize