I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just pee around me
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Let's get the cat blown out
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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