I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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