Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
