Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
