we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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