Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
