He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
