he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
