Michael Bay diarrhea
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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