On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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