I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
