Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
