I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
