I think my fart just growled at me.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
