i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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