i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
