even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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