Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
