How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
