I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
