i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
