Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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