I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
