your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
