Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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