i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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