Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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