thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
