just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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