so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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