best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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