yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
