So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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