me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
