I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
