She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
