Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
