On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
